wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
