she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
