Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
