I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
