i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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