Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
