omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
