i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
