I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
