I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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