Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
