i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
