first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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