oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
