Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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