I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
