I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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