3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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