I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
