I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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