weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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