I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I think I am morally bankrupt
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
