dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
