Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
