When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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