I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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