k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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