Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
