I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
