Capitaan dildo arrescate!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
