Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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