Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
