he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
