I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
