I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
