Did you just see the Batmobile???
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?