Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so