I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
