I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
