I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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