the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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