you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
