When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
is it fun? or sober?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
