I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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