I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
