WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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