i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
accomplished twins. life is a go
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
