Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
