I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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