his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
