i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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