Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Four minutes until I can fart!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Randomize
