I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
