Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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