there's paper in my vomit.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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