Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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