I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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