i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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