People in love make me want to vomit
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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