apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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