we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
