dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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