maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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