Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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